You don't have to be a seasoned Kremlinologist steeped in the chicanery of klepto-thugocracies to realize that America really dodged a bullet in last year's presidential election.
Of course, the media is presently in total meltdown upon learning of emails indicating that Donald Trump Jr. wanted his father to win the election and was so sleazy as to actually meet with someone (a lawyer from Russia!) who supposedly had dirt on his father's opponent, Hillary Clinton.
My goodness, the Trumps have really sullied politics in this country!
The Clintons would NEVER search for dirt against a political opponent. Just ask Bernie Sanders, Vince Foster or Barack Obama. (The conversation with one of those three would be a trifle one-sided.) Or Monica Lewinsky!
And if they ever did accidentally stumble upon the dirt of an opponent, the Clintons would be TOTALLY forthcoming about it when asked about it. It is the Clinton way. Just ask Ken Starr.
And, famously, President Obama would never stoop so low as to allow the world's most powerful espionage apparatus to spy on his political opponents - except for all the times he did. In the past year. That we know about.
Naturally, these explosive new emails from Don Jr. leaked out of the supposedly secret and "independent" federal investigation into President Donald Trumpopov and all his Russian connections, including - but not limited to - his favorite salad dressing, his highly secret Miss Universe pageant, the world's best tea cakes, his nesting doll collection, any and all tchotchkes in his office and every dog-eared copy of John Le Carre and Tom Clancy novels that are stacked on the shelves of the "Library Rooms" at all of Mr. Trumpopov's various resorts.
Needless to say, this investigation could - and likely will - go on forever. I have just rewritten my will to direct any financial gifts to be made to the Trumpopov Defense Fund, which, in the year 2060, will still be filing briefs and explanations about the "White Russian" Corey Lewandowski ordered from the lobby bar of the Trump Hotel nine days before the election.
But that does not mean that supposedly responsible officials in positions of authority won't go ahead and speculate at length about the ongoing, unfinished, allegedly secret investigation.
"The investigation - it's not, nothing is proven yet - but we're now beyond obstruction of justice in terms of what's being investigated," Sen. Tim Kaine, Virginia Democrat, declared to breathless reporters Tuesday. "This is moving into perjury, false statements and even, potentially, treason."
First of all, Mr. Kaine, you lost a campaign to Donald Trump. You really should go home. If that doesn't tell you all you need to know about how terrible you are at your job, then you are even more hopeless than we thought.
A guy who has never run for public office, was caught numerous times on tape saying the most impolitic things possible, and he beats you at your own game? Wow.
Take a cue from Hillary Clinton: Retire. Find a new line of work. This one, apparently, is not your strong suit. Even Democrats agree with that now.
But let's evaluate your statement at face value, Mr. Kaine. The only true thing you said is: "nothing is proven yet." That is correct. You should have shut up after that.
This whole hyperventilating media drive-by investigation is nothing more than pure hysteria, the phantom pain from having lost everything - when you were so, so certain that you would win everything.
But, Mr. Kaine, being the dolt that you are, you won't retire and can't shut up.
So you declare publicly that the supposedly secret investigation has gone from one thing to something else, up to and including "treason."
Treason???? You mean that little thing folks get hanged for? Like, as in, the death penalty?
So here we are on the heels of an election during which the last president's administration spied on political opponents who were campaigning for the White House.
And now - in the bitterness of defeat - one of the chief losers of that campaign - who somehow still holds a position of political authority - declares that the investigation into the president is so serious that the firing squad should be fixing bayonets.
Yes, this is how bad things had become around here. The political establishment is now so lazy, self-serving and entrenched that spying on political opponents and suggesting they be put do death is only natural for them. This is just how things work in a klepto-thugogracy.
Long live President Trumpopov!
• Charles Hurt can be reached at email@example.com and on Twitter by @charleshurt.