It was always going to be this way: Bush vs. Clinton 2016.
From the very start, the media tried to rig this election to be a showdown between the Republican Party's polite and uptight Bush clan and the Democratic Party's shameless and self-serving Clinton mafia.
Only the Bush they had in mind - Jeb! - did not have the stamina to keep up with the exclamation point his campaign deployed to put a little pep in his step. The poor little punctuation mark hung like a sad, shriveled carrot, dangling there beyond the end of his name in hopes of spurring him toward dynastic destiny.
Some eight wild months after Jeb! finally surrendered and began a long nap, in swoops Billy Bush to rescue the dynasty by slaying the family's greatest threat: a Republican NOT named Bush.
Granted, Hollywood crotch-nuzzler Billy Bush - a presidential cousin and nephew - does not have his name on the ballot in this election. But he has performed his duty with his hidden hot mic recording aimed at delivering the coup de grace to Donald Trump in hopes of handing the presidency over to Hillary Clinton.
The Bush family motto has always been if not a Bush, then how about a Clinton? We've all heard how, on long, overnight plane trips together, Bubba gives Poppy the bed.
But, back to the tape. Listening to Mr. Bush enthusiastically encourage Mr. Trump's vulgar and absurd approach to picking up women, it is clear that Mr. Bush needs no help from an exclamation point. He is so excited in the recording that he is practically panting as he trots alongside Mr. Trump as the billionaire lover dazzles with all his fantastical boasting.
But let's be honest, in the locker room, there are talkers and there are doers. These are the words of a talker.
After playing the tape over and over and over, the media then sits up and screams, "Put the kids to bed!" Finally, they can caution parents to keep their children away from Donald Trump.
But have they forgotten what our children have already been exposed to in the great modern American political debate?
In September 1998, The Washington Post reported:
"A few hours before President Clinton began his videotaped grand jury testimony Aug. 17, the FBI laboratory informed Starr's office that the president was the source of the DNA taken from Monica S. Lewinsky's navy blue dress 'to a reasonable degree of scientific certainty.'"
"Daddy, what is a DNA sample?" the child asks. "And how did it get onto her blue dress? What is an intern?"
Or about this gem from 1997:
"Mommy, what does 'distinguishing characteristic' mean? And how do you get Peyronie's disease? What's an affidavit?"
Seriously, people, you have dragged America's children through far worse.
The question I still have is how is it possible that Mr. Bush and Mr. Trump could have been recorded saying such things and, for 11 years, NBC News took no action whatsoever against its reporter? Does NBC News, owner of the Access Hollywood program, condone such behavior and comments from their "on air talent"?
And when they finally decided to take action, did company officials actually discuss ways of releasing the tape of Mr. Trump's comments while covering up for Mr. Bush?
And how long exactly did the company sit on the tape before dropping the bombshell "October surprise" just weeks before the election?
We won't hold our breath waiting for answers to these questions.
But it all reminds us that it is beyond high time that we grab the Republican Party by the Bush and grab the Democratic Party by the Clinton and toss them all out into the gutter where they belong.
• Charles Hurt can be reached at email@example.com; follow him on Twitter via @charleshurt.