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Roger Stone

Either Roger Stone is making up tall tales of persecution, or Congress needs to investigate why American intelligence services have the world's most incompetent assassins. What gives? Are they poorly trained? Have the clandestine services forgotten how to kill people without a drone? The American people need answers!

According to Stone, a longtime Donald Trump confidant and original Richard Nixon ratf*ker, the "deep state" keeps trying to kill him, yet always fails badly at it.

The latest episode is what Stone calls a "suspicious hit-and-run" accident. Stone was seated on the passenger side of a vehicle when it was struck by an unknown driver, who apparently left the scene without exchanging insurance information. In a series of tweets, Stone noted that the striking sedan had a tinted windshield.

This person was definitely not trained at the Jason Bourne academy. A sedan is a strange choice for an assault vehicle. Even a half-trained assassin would think to use something more capable of inflicting harm on Stone, such as a large and heavy truck. They would also not take their foot off the gas so as to ensure maximum impact.

Having just endured a kinetic collision that left him with "blurred vision," Stone went straight to…well, not the hospital. Instead, he made an appearance on Infowars. "It didn't seem like an accident to me," Stone said in a video. He then hosted the fourth hour of the Alex Jones Show.

At some point he reportedly went to a hospital.

You see, Stone is amazingly healthy, which makes him hard to murder. In fact, during inauguration week, Stone claimed that Infowars herbal supplements had saved him from Polonium poisoning by the dreaded American intelligence services, who (he says) were trying to frame his assassination on Russia.

Which is weird, because a lethal dose of Polonium-210 is maybe the size of a pepper flake. How did the all-seeing, all-powerful deep state mess that up?

Also, the characteristic symptoms of Polonium poisoning include hair loss, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, which should have left Roger Stone incapable of traveling to Manhattan and unable to make a public appearance in the lobby of Trump Tower. If "doctors" really did diagnose Polonium poisoning as he claimed at the time, then Stone should have been confined to a hospital bed.

Thing 1: Stone with what appears to be a skin infection in December/Getty Images. Thing 2: Alexander Litvenenko dying of Polonium-210 in 2006/Getty Images Europe. If only his doctors had known about Infowars Caveman True Paleo Formula™, now selling for just $39.95!

"Who would want to do this to me? I am an enemy of the deep state," Stone told a conservative Miami outlet at the time. "I think people know that I was an insider in American politics. I was close to power in nine presidential elections." Indeed, Stone's greatest hits include Watergate and the Brooks Brothers riot.

"The Republican/Democrat Bush Clinton deep state has manufactured this Russia fraud," he added, promoting his new book that purports to disprove campaign collusion between the Trump campaign and the Kremlin ever took place.

Since that interview, Stone has admitted being in touch with the Russian-made "Guccifer 2.0" persona during the election in addition to Julian Assange, while a pattern of communication between at least nine Trump hands and agents of Russian influence has emerged.

Russia seems to have competent assassins compared to America's. Which is understandable, since they have honed their skills on journalists and political opponents of Vladimir Putin for 17 years.

Featured image via Lizzie Ochoa Flickr under Creative Commons license