The swamp gets sloshed! Republicans stunned! GOP reeling! Blindsided!
President Trump cuts a dirty little deal with Democrats and the swamp rats are surprised? They scurry for cover like cockroaches when the lights flick on.
Holy frog juice, these people are even dumber than we thought. These swamp denizens are even more delusional than we thought.
And these people are supposed to be political experts.
The hopeless debt-addled addicts in Congress got sent to rehab after last November's intervention election, and ever since they keep promising they really learned their lesson this time. Now we find they are still doped up - meth-rotted teeth, glassy-eyed - and still shooting up treasury ink.
Rep. Kevin Cramer, North Dakota Republican, said he "gasped" when he learned of Mr. Trump's deal with the devilish Democrats.
"Wow," he said. "I was at dinner last night where that was not in anybody's dream."
Former Senate GOP leader Trent Lott cringed over how "embarrassing" it was to have the president lay bare such a split with Republicans in Congress.
Somebody needs to reread "The Masque of the Red Death."
We have on our hands an economic, bureaucratic and political plague, and these people in the swamp are still clutching their pearls, gasping into their lace gloves and fretting over proper manners at the garden party that went broke long, long ago.
Let's review: Since the start of the year, President Trump has tried working with Republicans. He gave them a sterling, phenomenal Supreme Court justice.
Despite all the venom from so many Republicans in Washington during last year's general election, Mr. Trump helped the party keep seats in all four special elections where Republicans competed.
And despite the acrimony, Mr. Trump has been generous in explaining to Washington Republicans all the things that matter most to actual voters in America. He has worked strenuously to make good on the promises that got him - and many Republicans - elected last year.
For their part, Republicans refuse to hear Mr. Trump's advice. They backstab him and leak fake stories to the fake media about his White House.
They join in with the barking, mouth-frothing hyenas to investigate this Russia canard and threaten the president's family and personal fortune.
They call him a racist because he - rightly - called out the leftist thugs who agitate for a race war in this country.
And, finally, these syphilitic Washington Republicans are, apparently, constitutionally incapable of actually accomplishing anything.
Forget that Mr. Trump got elected promising to repeal Obamacare. Republicans have won four straight elections on that very same promise!
And they can't even get that done, even as Mr. Trump stands at the end of Pennsylvania Avenue, holding his pen, weeping ink.
Yet these bozos are surprised that Mr. Trump finally had enough and is now playing footsie with Democrats?
And these are the "good guys" in Washington. Dear Lord, help us!
• Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter, @charleshurt.